Why we hurt the ones we love.

I am at a loss. Things have instantaneously gone from great to horrible and my head and heart are bruised, shaken, and broken. How can the one you love, the one you drop your life and move to, be the one that hurts you the worst and cuts the deepest wounds?

I moved to San Francisco

I do tend to enjoy this push-pull dance with this blog, it would seem, as is evident by my prolonged breaks and negligence to keep a regularly updated schedule. But, there is no excuse other than my inability to maintain a steady goal. So, in an attempt to bond with this new city and to simultaneously ponder the beauty of life, I present to you my new blog..

Try as I might, I could not follow through with creating a new one. I felt as if the trail of misery and angst held just mere clicks away has a profound meaning. Before this blog was used for escape and now it will be used as a means of meditation and awareness. Interesting how the origin of my distraction--my well of fantasy-- holds the key to grounding my fickle soul. Oh, and there will be pictures! Yay...

Alas, the change has been staggering: both positive and rough. My mother notices a change in my tone when we speak on the phone, "you sound happier" she chimes, although I do not sense the change. I am aware of the freedom from her debilitating grasp on my emotions, but let loose these emotions run wild and tend to wreck havoc on my life. I forgot how to use them wisely and to live harmoniously with them. In a way, I am beginning to feel again.

Granted, my mother is not a terrible person. She's convinced that her struggle, experience, and emotion is the foundation for life as if it were so linear, so black-and-white. People are susceptible to various components that create experience and emotion, and people deal with struggle differently. Yet, no matter how much I try to explain to her the necessity of an open mind when viewing individuals, thus leading to an appreciation of said individuals, she does not understand. I admire her ability to remain so concrete about her beliefs, at the same time entertaining a horrified realization that I'm both proud and appalled by her steadfastness? My brain is so every confusing at times...

In the recent days, El Nino has been gracing California with some much needed moisture. It has been raining here and there for the past few weeks. A part of me revels in the vivacious, cool droplets as it makes me feel quite at home. I miss my PNW terribly but as each day that goes by, as I explore more and more, I begin to appreciate the stark change of environment, the alien breed of people, the new-found allergies, and the disconnection that's so prominent in a new place.

These rains bring in the crowds of bewildered masses into my work. It's almost comical how little knowledge there is about rain gear, or even the basic precautions against elemental factors. I guess I was once there.. A novice outdoor enthusiast longingly staring up at Mount Hood from the valley depths of Portland, Oregon. As a lifelong hiker, my clothing priorities were never considered. I hiked in whatever I found comfortable because I was ignorant to the fact that there was clothing specifically tailored for every sort of physical activity. Then again, my life never depended upon what I was wearing because I always had the comfort of a vehicle to return to, or a tent to dwell in, and my activities didn't really push me past average comfort levels. So, as my ambitions climbed higher and higher as did the need to educate myself of the basic necessities of mountaineering and elemental protection.

I got to end a beautiful day bouldering with the boyfriend. The best way to connect with a city is to join a facility with like-minded people that promotes an healthy activity. Bouldering challenges so many aspects in the human brain and body: harnessing fear, applying impulsive judgement, body control, problem solving skills, and the amazing rush of endorphins. We tested out the gym in hopes that we could call it our home; is it cognitively and physically challenging but not exhausting? Can we grow here? Can I afford it? It easily met all of our requirements and the excitement and anticipation for further exploration bubbles through my veins. But, sadly, and ironically, I need to take a break from climbing and focus on some cross training. I tweaked my left wrist while climbing and will need to work on some PT before I attempt to strain it some more because, let's face it, climbing is a ridiculous sport on the body. But it feels so good!

This weekend holds some much anticipated adventures: FAMSF, surfing at Pacifica, brunch, BBQ, and plenty of reflections and pictures. Until next time...