Improvements

I've started on a new path to self improvement, one that I never thought would benefit me so greatly: I started weight lifting a week ago.

Now, I've been on a (relatively) healthy diet for the past year so that has helped me in overcoming that initial shit-tastic hump of any beginning workout routine. I've noticed a lot of improvements already: regulated hormones, as I suffer from highs and lows, ups and downs and all that fun stuff; increased energy, strength, balance, better appetite, motivation, cognitive strength, and overall well being. That's an overwhelmingly positive list of improvements. If that doesn't convince you, I don't know what will.

A brief history of me: In 2009, I broke up with a long-time boyfriend and began that transformation (in both good and bad ways) that every one goes through after a failed relationship. You know, the I want to get fucked up--fuck everyone--and do all the things--that sort of intense drive towards insanity. Anyway, what saved me from self destruction was climbing. I was an avid outdoors climber: trad, sport, and my favorite, multi-pitch. I was climbing 5-6 times during the week. It became my life, but on my downtime I would drink, and drink, and drink, and not eat. The scales of an healthy lifestyle were heavily outweighed by my binge drinking and lack of self care.

Toward 2011, my endurance started to fizzle and I soon succumbed to fatigue and depression. I also got in a car accident that caused whiplash and it went untreated, hindering my ability to climb. My body started to quit on me and I took it personally, which caused the downward spiraling into depression. "Why can't I climb?" "What's wrong with me?" I couldn't understand why I was climbing more but getting weaker while everyone I knew was improving and going on to harder things. The next two years became a blur and it's too difficult to talk about, still. I stopped climbing, working out, eating healthy, and socializing. I isolated myself to the extreme while laying in bed during my free time, which was always because I hated going to work but couldn't be fired (family business.) I did nothing but turn my brain off in order to release myself from self-pity and loathing.

Slowly but surely, my body succumbed to acute atrophy. I became prone to injuries at an alarming rate, my appetite was affected and my digestive system became overburdened, endless depression and anxiety, fatigue, and numerous health issues became daily annoyances. I still took all of this personally, as if I had failed in life because my body was not what it used to be. It didn't click. I was that far gone.

Fast forward to the dawning of 2015, my father remarried and kicked me out of the house, which was a huge blow to my shaky foundational support and a horrid reality check. Naturally, I took it personally. See a pattern here? But this time I was able to pull myself out of that mind set because, well, I had to. I moved into my mother's house in order to start my own transition into adulthood. I'm saving money and preparing to use my own two feet, hence why the body building has become a focus in my life. I don't trust the strength of my feet, yet, and what better way to ready myself for the long trek.

So, here I am now: going to school full time (just a few credits away from receiving my AAOT and transferring to Uni), saving money, working on a healthy relationship with my best friend--now boyfriend, strengthening relationships with friends and family, strengthening my body and improving my health. Phew. It's tough but I don't see any other way. I still struggle with taking things personally as I'm trying to strengthen my self image and self worth. It was damaged, thoroughly, by years and years of self-abasement. But, I remind myself, I've been to hell and this is nothing... I can do anything.