I can't describe this.

Every time I listen to "Censored Colors" a tidal wave of emotion (both highs and lows) seems to wash through me-- pushing and pulling me back and forth against a wall.. The wall that reality has created in my mind and in front of my eyes-- it shatters from the impact.. And in a way I see things clearly, again, finally. So here it goes..

Love.
I know what love is and I have never tasted such a sweet thing in my life. Nothing in the world (yes, even a fast car) can compare to this. My heart beats with a purpose now, and if I were not such a shy girl, I would paint the world and I would show everyone how to love themselves and others. So. Life is short. I've experienced enough pain and I've cried enough to fill the Pacific Ocean, at least! So if I am ever granted a strand of goodluck, please grant the ones I love the pleasure..

Some for my Mother: even though she hurts me I know she's a good person, even though her form of "love" isn't something I can handle. I still wish you well.

Some for my Dad: may you find your soul mate and experience the life and love that was taken from you. You deserve more than what you've settled for.

Some for my Brother: I give you most of my goodluck.. I hope you get your fortune and I hope you feel proud of yourself, you don't know how much we're hurting from your struggle as well.

Some for my friends and extended family: Sometimes I don't feel worthy enough. Everyone shines with such a passionate light!

Some for my dog, Spencer: May the afterlife give you as much, if not more, love than what I was able to give you. You are always welcome back home. :] I'll rub your belly until my hands go numb, I promise.

Last but not least.. Everything that I am, will be, and want to be.. Goes to my Andrew. You are my heart and there is no one more beautiful than you, even with your silly hair. I love you. Without you I would still be wandering aimlessly on the path to self destruction. I want to build a beautiful life with you. I want to marry you and I want you to live a strong, long, and healthy life. I don't understand why we're waiting anymore.. I'm not scared any more.

So. Life is short. Do I build that retirement plan well or do I just live.. Do I have that much time? Do I experience everything now the best I can or do I save, save, save and live later? My body will break, my soul will tire, my brain will weaken.. But I'm not ready yet. Whatever good luck I have left please bestow my body with health and longevity.