A thought, a ramble.

The first time I went to Harlow in Portland, a friend pointed out to me that she witnessed an employee offering a free meal to a less-than-fortunate individual hanging out on the corner, "there is no reason to go through your day hungry" was the reasoning. With that my respect for this establishment was solidified in gold. Subsequently, my friend and I dove into a conversation about the politics underlying the homeless population in Portland, and how our society as a whole tries to dehumanize them, and succeeds, quite easily. A few days later, I had an encounter in the parking garage of Whole Foods downtown. I was walking out towards my car, as I approached the very wide --easily accommodating two to three people-- door, a homeless man was doing the same. We both approached the door at an even pace and once he noticed me --a clean, well-dressed individual-- he stopped, looked down, and said he was sorry thus encouraged me to walk through by myself ahead of him. I was struck with intense sadness. His actions screamed abuse from everyone he has met. And I saw him as a person when the world had obviously stripped that away from him, or he himself had forgotten his own humanity. I paused alongside him and motioned for him to proceed, saying, "no, please, you're fine." And we both walked through the door.

This, for me, is in no way a revelation. But it serves as a wake-up call because I have become desensitized to the homeless in Portland. They are constantly categorized and logged away as lazy, disgusting, petty addicts, and annoying with their unyielding panhandling. In no way have they evoked pity in me, but, from this week, I have felt pity for myself because of my thoughts and actions towards other people. I can no longer look at an individual as a lesser being than I based on their circumstances. Who am I to judge what one does with their life when they grow up in the absence of knowledge that they have a life to live?

This started out as an essay about Harlow and how much I've grown to love it there. You're probably wondering how a tangent like this could be formed from writing a restaurant review. I wonder that, as well, but my wonderment is quickly eased by the fact that walking through the doors of Harlow is like walking into the arms of an old, family loved one. The staff addresses you as 'love' and proceeds to talk to you as an individual by throwing out The Standard Interaction Between Two Strangers script. You know, the book that governs and dictates that we never allow ourselves to open up to complete strangers? Yeah, that nasty textbook. At Harlow, you matter, I matter, she matters, he matters, they matter as a human being that is alive and well and sharing a space with other human beings that are alive and well. And that is key, sharing, which encourages an equality among peoples. I am honored to know you.

Beginnings

Today, I made a new resume after some extensive research, which I have never done before out of laziness and hopelessness. I am shocked by the change of perspective that I now have of myself. On this paper, I sound like a super human, and I feel like one, now, in the flesh.

I'm sitting here with a ridiculous grin upon my face. I've done it. I've broken through the worst of it, because once you start it doesn't stop. I'm talking about life, about living and thriving, and trying to be the best damn human being my soul is willing to be.

And with this new strength, I find myself becoming immune to my previous anxieties and insecurities. 'So what?' I shout at my worries, 'you won't break me.' My future looks hopeful and the world looks less intimidating. I can do anything.

Endurance Minded

A friend of mine recently started his own company, Endurance Minded, where he coaches people in achieving their athletic goals --be it a 5k to a triathlon or an ultra-marathon-- this guy knows his stuff.

His name is Justin and he's been an inspiration in many ways. He has the typical self-motivated, intelligent, strong-minded characteristics of anyone to be admired, but there's something more that truly sets him apart: the ability to appreciate the little things in life, I mean, really appreciate them. It's evident in his photography and his gusto for life and nature.

If you find yourself interested or in need of his services, I strongly advise you to check him out. Bury him with newbish questions to your heart's content, or solicit a personally tailored coaching plan. http://enduranceminded.com/

Now, last but not least, take care of yourself and strive to be the best and strongest You.

Improvements

I've started on a new path to self improvement, one that I never thought would benefit me so greatly: I started weight lifting a week ago.

Now, I've been on a (relatively) healthy diet for the past year so that has helped me in overcoming that initial shit-tastic hump of any beginning workout routine. I've noticed a lot of improvements already: regulated hormones, as I suffer from highs and lows, ups and downs and all that fun stuff; increased energy, strength, balance, better appetite, motivation, cognitive strength, and overall well being. That's an overwhelmingly positive list of improvements. If that doesn't convince you, I don't know what will.

A brief history of me: In 2009, I broke up with a long-time boyfriend and began that transformation (in both good and bad ways) that every one goes through after a failed relationship. You know, the I want to get fucked up--fuck everyone--and do all the things--that sort of intense drive towards insanity. Anyway, what saved me from self destruction was climbing. I was an avid outdoors climber: trad, sport, and my favorite, multi-pitch. I was climbing 5-6 times during the week. It became my life, but on my downtime I would drink, and drink, and drink, and not eat. The scales of an healthy lifestyle were heavily outweighed by my binge drinking and lack of self care.

Toward 2011, my endurance started to fizzle and I soon succumbed to fatigue and depression. I also got in a car accident that caused whiplash and it went untreated, hindering my ability to climb. My body started to quit on me and I took it personally, which caused the downward spiraling into depression. "Why can't I climb?" "What's wrong with me?" I couldn't understand why I was climbing more but getting weaker while everyone I knew was improving and going on to harder things. The next two years became a blur and it's too difficult to talk about, still. I stopped climbing, working out, eating healthy, and socializing. I isolated myself to the extreme while laying in bed during my free time, which was always because I hated going to work but couldn't be fired (family business.) I did nothing but turn my brain off in order to release myself from self-pity and loathing.

Slowly but surely, my body succumbed to acute atrophy. I became prone to injuries at an alarming rate, my appetite was affected and my digestive system became overburdened, endless depression and anxiety, fatigue, and numerous health issues became daily annoyances. I still took all of this personally, as if I had failed in life because my body was not what it used to be. It didn't click. I was that far gone.

Fast forward to the dawning of 2015, my father remarried and kicked me out of the house, which was a huge blow to my shaky foundational support and a horrid reality check. Naturally, I took it personally. See a pattern here? But this time I was able to pull myself out of that mind set because, well, I had to. I moved into my mother's house in order to start my own transition into adulthood. I'm saving money and preparing to use my own two feet, hence why the body building has become a focus in my life. I don't trust the strength of my feet, yet, and what better way to ready myself for the long trek.

So, here I am now: going to school full time (just a few credits away from receiving my AAOT and transferring to Uni), saving money, working on a healthy relationship with my best friend--now boyfriend, strengthening relationships with friends and family, strengthening my body and improving my health. Phew. It's tough but I don't see any other way. I still struggle with taking things personally as I'm trying to strengthen my self image and self worth. It was damaged, thoroughly, by years and years of self-abasement. But, I remind myself, I've been to hell and this is nothing... I can do anything.

Silence.

Today is the first day, in a while, I spent on myself. I didn't run away from anything, I didn't distract myself. I sat down and focused on what needed to be done. I didn't glance at my phone every minute waiting for it to light up with a new text.
Nothing. Alone. Quiet.
When the hell did I get so scared of this? I used to pride myself in utter isolation. I used to be strong. I used to have my shit together. I'm so intensely petrified to be quiet and alone that panic attacks sometimes arise from my chest. I don't understand any of this and I want nothing more than for them to cease. I want to be free, strong, and secure in loneliness and silence.

What helps you? Let me know. I'm all sorts of curious.

Restless.

Hello, stranger.
I'm not sure how you wound up here--wait, I'm not sure how I did... That's beside the point.
Welcome, there's coffee in the back, maybe. I might have downed it all by now. Apologies.

I'm here because some times I can't cope in the real world. More often than not, I'm hanging by a thin string of sanity and it looks frail and close to snapping. What am I supposed to do? I have my self healing sessions; my distractions; my healthy activities, but that ominous insanity lingers just above my head with a sinister grin, not unlike the Cheshire Cat. Fuck you, cat. Go haunt someone else's life you grinning piece of shit.

Whoa, that felt good. Maybe that's what I need... A secret, underground club where passive aggressive fucks can let out their aggression in a healthy way, besides resorting to internet trolling and the destruction of many of virtual personae worldwide. *shrug* Just a thought.

Chasing the wind

Oh. What a breath of fresh air. My lungs are damp and moldy from breathing water, and my muscles have withered during their weightless slumber. It is time, this time around.

You can find me at the Eolian.
If you do not know what/where that is then I suggest you make haste and find out.
You'll thank me later with a mug of cider.